Fears

I remember when moving to the capital I was afraid that I  might lose myself. I only heard stories about people moving to the big city and becoming prostitutes, drug addicts, dealers, gamblers, pimps and so on. I soon realized as I was starting to live my life between the monumental high buildings and ghettos that you mostly find trouble if you are looking for one. Otherwise, your life can be as empty and uneventful as in the village. 

I grew up in there. Isolated from civilization. In a one-way street. It was felt like a homestead than a village. It was so small. Of course, you could reach the neighborhood villages by bike in a couple of minutes which made it less isolated. Still, I always felt seperated from the mainstream, in all sorts of ways.

I remember spending weeks eating dry bread and drinking water because we did not have money to buy food. It was rough. I went through more. Emotionally it was more disturbing. Especially when I always had to lie at school. Lie about basically everything since almost everybody had the necessary things for a well-balanced and prosperous young life. I had nothing. Basically. 

I knew what I wanted when I left. I still have nightmares about the village. It was so terrible. The isolation, the deprivation, the hunger, the poverty and the fact that you have to lie about the circumstances. My parents always made me swear never to talk about family matters outside the house. So I set up a scene to other people, never being able to explicitly discuss how I felt.

When I arrived the city I made a promise. I had some money saved and I promised myself that if I ran out of money, I would kill myself. It was a promise based on strict points and other promises. I had points lined up:

1. I will never sell my body just to make it to another day.
2. I will never become a dealer or get involved with black business just to get some quick money, or cash to survive for another day.
3. I will never sell anything just to survive.
4. I will never be a homeless.
5. I will never use other people or sleep with them just to get through. 

So I didn’t. But I survived. I guess the universe put me through but I was always afraid that one day I might lose myself. Now I am climbing up when it comes to my career which I never imagined I would ever have. I am working in a fancy office. I have power. I have money and I have all the things I have never had when I was living at home. Home? I don’t know what that word means. 

Money does not make one happy. It never did make me happy. And never will. Still I am afraid that I might lose myself if I climb higher at work or elsewhere. I am afraid that I might hurt somebody. I am afraid that I might use somebody. I am still afraid. And I am still isolated, alone, seperated and misunderstood. 

I do not know if it will ever change. The only thing that is different now is that I like being isolated and seperated. And I am getting colder and more distant with every single hurt I face. It scares me. 

I do not know where I am headed but I am not afraid to lose everything again and start from zero. It’s okay. As long as I have me. My promises unbroken and my faith in life and the universe.

I guess.