19 July, 2020

I often take long walks. Helps me to find inspiracion, relax and clear my mind. It is hard sometimes to perceive, to feel instead of just seeing. As far as I am concerned the people who pass beside me on the streets don’t necessary feel just see. Physically see. I don’t like living in a world so material like this. I never have but as the years pass by I feel less and less comfortable.

I don’t really like to see what I am seeing on a daily basis in Budapest. Since the restrictions and the decisions made by the rulers, more and more people end up on the streets. The number of homeless people are increasing and it really upsets me. Sometimes I am wondering how is that that no one cares about it or no one wants to talk about it. They rather have a conversation about a dull topic like what they bought over the weekend at the mall or what happened in their favorite TV shows.

Sometimes I wish someone just walked up to me and say: “Don’t you find repulsive that we all live in here and just keeping passing by each other? What is life? What does it mean? How is that that no one finds the actual situations disgusting? Why don’t people try to be better than mediocre? What is true love? What is truth if it is subjective?”

I wish someone would really have the intention of going deep, risking it all and exposing the inner circles of themselves. Revealing their minds and trying not to fake anymore. 

It gets me scared and then it gets me angry. Several times I cannot control what I feel. I think that is okay, instead of easing them and the pain. Which is clearly so many people are doing these days with alcohol, medication and casual sex. I don’t want that. I don’t need that. I need deep thoughts. Deep conversations. Not this materialistic agony. This cheap, boring, physical presence with no meaning. Aimless wondering, really. I cannot cope with that. I need more.